An ‘Absolute Yes!” is easy to recognize in my body, and can feel exciting and expansive to move into. But, when a decision feels muddy I can get stuck and find myself tossing and turning at 3 a.m.. Saying ‘yes’ to sitting on a board of an organization I believe in seems obvious. So, why was I hesitating?
While walking with my dog through the woods today I found my mind wandering back to the decision I needed to make. I could feel a heaviness in my body just thinking about it. When we came around a corner the beauty of the scene was so stunning it stopped me in my tracks. Streams of sunlight came through the branches above and glistened and danced off the path ahead. I smiled and sighed. ‘This is what I need more of. Nature. Time spent walking.’ My little dog looked back at me, and I smiled.
Standing there in that moment I knew I had to make space for what fuels me and makes me come alive. Nature, curling up with a good book, writing, and a long walk in the forest. And, I needed to eliminate anything that feels like diving in to take on ‘more’ of what takes me away from my heart. I felt a rush of energy in my body as I stood taking in the forest. It may have felt wrong in my head to say ‘no’ to stepping on the board – after all I knew I would enjoy it – but it sure felt right in my body to decline the offer. And, for me, after years of ‘doing the work’ of learning to pay attention to my body’s wisdom, the decision was now crystal clear.
When I walked in the door after my walk I told Paul my decision and why. “You know I would support you either way, right?”, he said. I smiled. “Yes, I do.” And, I added, “I want more time like this very moment – standing in the kitchen chatting, and less time running out the door to another meeting. More time curled up on the couch together talking about our plans, and less time making things happen in the world. I’ve done all that. And, I want to honour the commitments I have already made to myself about the projects and meaningful work I am pursuing that are close to my heart.”
A while later, I hung up the phone after enjoying a good chat with the president of the board. I paused before heading downstairs for dinner. As much as it feels good to be valued and honoured when I am asked to be a part of things, valuing and honouring myself and what I need feels even better.
